When Jacob was diagnosed, we were faced with the mounting uncertainty of his future. Would he ever talk? How much extra attention would he need to grow and learn? How many hours would he need of specialized therapy during the week? Suddenly, his future, our future, looked different. I had always imagined having two or three kids, but my first-born had thrown me a curveball. It was not going to be how I imagined it. We knew that our focus now had to be on Jacob alone. We could not afford to divide our attention or divert our efforts from helping Jacob. And so, for Jacob’s first five years, he was an only child.
But when we looked further into the future, to a timeline when he would no longer have his parents, the anxiety of not knowing if he could be independent was paralyzing. Who would we trust to help him? Who would be able to understand him and his needs? Who would be patient enough to do what it takes?
I had always wanted to give Jacob a sibling, but the question was when. When would he be ready? When would we be ready? I knew there would be no right time. Jacob would always need our attention, but Jacob also needed a sibling. So, we held on to hope, took the leap, and had Josiah.
It has not been easy. In fact, it has been demanding at times. Full of hard to explain emotions and fears. Worrisome and watchfulness. Yet, I think it has been the best gift that we could have given Jacob.
One of those hard parts, of having two kids, one with autism and the other neurotypical, is play. Josiah's desire to be liked and played with by the big brother with autism, his attempt to communicate with and understand his brother, the fear and anxiety of not knowing what is going to trigger his brother or when. The rejection he must feel is heart wrenching, but Josiah is adapting, learning to find a way to relate on his level.
Here is a picture of Josiah joining in on Jacob's unique brand of play. Josiah said “Mommy, I am helping brother build a tower.” Josiah does not judge. He just tries to find a way to connect and enter his world.
Just this past week, the boys had their well child check-ups. Jacob has certain anxieties and phobias associated with various activities, as do most people with autism. One of which is being terrified of visiting any type of doctor or medical office. It can be a very daunting ordeal, even with preparation and coping techniques. I talked to the boys before that day, to let them know that I would be picking them up from school and taking them to see the doctor. That the doctor was just going to see how big they have grown, how tall they are, and how big their muscles are.
Josiah was excited about it, ready to show off his muscles, while Jacob was terrified. I picked up Josiah first, and when he got into the car, as I was buckling him in, he told me one of the sweetest things to come out of his mouth. That he knew brother would be upset. That he was going to show brother that there was nothing to fear. He, even at 5 years old, is learning how to help Jacob, and to understand him, and to love and accept him for who he is. At the check-up, Josiah gladly did everything first, to show brother, as he calls him, that it did not hurt, and was not something to fear. He hugged him in the parking lot to try to ease his anxiety.
Josiah continues to teach Jacob so much, but Jacob has taught Josiah so much more than I could ever have imagined. Jacob has taught Josiah the value of compassion, understanding, patience, acceptance, and unconditional love. Josiah offers to tuck Jacob into bed and gives him a goodnight kiss. He offers Jacob a hug whenever he is crying or having a difficult day.
Josiah has never once asked why Jacob does not speak, or why he does things a little differently. That is just Jacob to him. And he will gladly let Jacob be Jacob. And although Jacob was not thrilled when we brought Josiah home from the hospital, he has come a long way in the past five years. He is also adapting to this little kid brother, who is constantly following him again and playing with him. He helps Josiah buckle his seatbelt. He looks out for him. He pays attention to him. He imitates him. He initiates play with him. And he enjoys, genuinely enjoys having him around most of the time.
His sibling will always be his friend. His advocate. His protector. We gave him the best gift. The gift of love and laughter for a lifetime. For both of them.
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